Maybe it isn’t a problem to be solved; maybe it’s a paradigm to be managed. A paradigm is a standard, or frame work, or a set of ideas. As I commuted to yet another meeting, as we all do, I came across this quote in a podcast I was listening to featuring Brene Brown and Esther Perel (I adore each and recommend all of their content by the way). If I were reading a book, I would have dog-eared the corner or highlighted the phrase. This one sentence struck me as the key to better everything in Condoland.

Once upon a time, we used to joke (and it’s only funny because it’s true) that when we had an angry resident, we could count in our heads the time it would take for them to remind us I pay your salary. On a good day, we might have even been entertained by it and thought to ourselves (though never said): here’s your quarter; come back next year. We firmly affixed our “grin and bear it” face and patiently reiterated the Corporation’s position or empathized where we could with the cost of a chargeback or the high fees.

Shockingly, that phrase has been supplanted by a more current one: I guess I know why that guy shot up his condo. Raise your hand if you’ve heard it. Please don’t. It’s WAY too common. I’ve heard it (or been told about it having been said) in connection with a dog leash enforcement letter, a parking enforcement violation, a lien, a back charge, an increase to common expenses – you get the idea. Because of everything and nothing.

When confronted with it personally, I have, very quietly, sometimes tearfully, said that I knew they didn’t mean it, but to please, never say something like that again because they simply didn’t under stand how upsetting and frightening it is to say that. It’s a matter of civility, some thing I think I know we can all agree has declined of late, something I hope we can bring back.

I had a very personal, horrible reac tion to the tragic shooting in Vaughan. Work, my own workplace and the ones that I visited in my role as a Regional Director had always been a safe space for me (and my daughter). I was married once, and mental health and struggles with mental illness were a part of that relationship. My own stress during this time was compounded by the death of a girl in my daughter’s class. Work was a place where I felt safe and competent. Suddenly, irrationally, that was no longer the case. Though my reaction was very personal (and clearly a form of PTSD), I wasn’t very good at talking about it, and I’m not very proud of how I dealt with it (but I thank my family, friends, and colleagues who helped me through it).

I mention it because, frankly, each one of us dealt with similar feelings when we thought of someone we felt was volatile and who could have erupted in the same way. I also think it’s imperative that we separate violence and bad behaviour from mental health and mental illness.

I very proudly have a very low toler ance for bad behaviour. Though it was hard for me when I started, I now stop conversations where I feel that voices are too loud, there is too much swearing, or there are personal attacks. I sincerely tell folks that I want to help them but can’t do so because the current conversation is too heated and I am uncomfortable. If challenged I say very bluntly that it is likely because of past experiences which aren’t fair to be “put” on them, but which plague me and that “if you can’t control the tone of your voice or the words coming out of your mouth, what on earth would make me believe you could control your fists or your feet”.

I have personally resolved in this new year to never refer to physical violence in common parlance (something that, as the year progresses, I notice I do all the time).

• You’re killing it! (meant to encourage someone that I thought was doing a terrific job)
• There’s no magic bullet (meaning there isn’t a quick and definitive solution)
• Down in the trenches (meaning the viewpoint from the field – the grassroots, my team)
• Ammunition (meaning points to persuade someone to a different point of view)

I was less aware and thoughtful about how such references might be particularly triggering for folks I was speaking to as a representative of an employer, as a colleague or in a professional capacity to boards, owners and residents. As the great Maya Angelou once said, when I knew better I did better.

Fast Facts (from the Canadian mental Health Association):

1. Mental health and mental illness are often used interchangeably, but they are not the same thing. “Mental health” refers to a state of well-being, a concept more closely aligned with “physical health”.

2. The presence or absence of a mental illness is not a predictor of mental health.

3. Problematic substance use is sometimes linked to poor mental health or mental illness; it can be a coping strategy for untreated trauma, pain, challenging thoughts or emotions, or other health symptoms.

4. Everyone has mental health and will experience challenges, but not everyone will experience mental illness.

5. Mental illness indirectly affects all Canadians at some time, either through personal experience or that of a family member, friend or colleague. It’s a numbers game: by age 40, about 50% of the population will have or have had a mental illness.

This gets me back to my first thought: Maybe it isn’t a problem to be solved but a paradigm to be managed.

There was once a man I had come to know, and we exchanged pleasantries whenever I stopped into the building or at the Annual General Meeting registration desk. My manager at the time contacted me because he was loudly banging on the door of a woman on the penthouse level, and of course, neither she nor the entire floor could sleep. I was surprised that it was this fellow. He seemed quite kind. So I called him. As we all know, most of these kinds of things are wrapped up with a conversation. They are terribly time-consuming and most often are more effective than a legal letter – which will necessitate a phone call anyway, which, from my experience, is often less pleas ant. He was convinced that the woman was being held against her will and forced to prostitute herself. So I called her (sensi tive to the fact that she may or may not be able to speak freely). She told me that she used to go to have coffee with that man occasionally, but now he was “crazy,” and she didn’t want to see him again. She was clearly not afraid to speak with me, and I circled back to speak with the fellow. I told him, that I understood why he was so insistent to speak with her, being afraid that she was being held against her will and forced to do things she didn’t want to, but I told him he would have to take my word for it that this simply wasn’t the case. I told him that I understood why he had been behaving the way he was. If I believed that someone I cared about was being held against their will and forced to do things they didn’t want to, I’d do the same thing. I told him very clearly that he couldn’t do it again. I told him I was worried about him and thought he should see his doctor. I told him that because I was worried about him, I would contact his emergency contact, which was his mother. I know from that conversation that he was afraid that he would have to go to the hospital and that he might lose his independence.

Unfortunately, he did it again. We then contacted our security firm, one that I knew from personal experience with my former husband, also had a division with trained psychiatric secu rity guards (who are incredibly by the way) and spoke with his mother to let her know that we (the condominium corporation) would need to have a guard engaged to ensure that he didn’t leave his floor so that the quiet enjoy ment of the balance of the community would not be disturbed, and, of course that it would be a back charge. To make a long story short, I know that he left the community and was in a mental health facility for some time. I know that his mother eventually sold the suite.

This is only one example. I (and more often my managers) have managed floods, fires, water escape, the after math of suicide in their communities, shootings, residents with dementia who should no longer live alone (though they have no family or friends to contact), MAID and the event held in the multipurpose room ensuring the privacy and grace warranted for invited friends and family. More often than not, managing these life events is not only about managing the physical environment but also the communal grief, anxiety and personalities. These “people prob lems” are always more challenging than the actual “brick and sticks,” as my dad would put it.

Once upon a time folks lived in condo miniums because they were choosing a communal life. That isn’t true any longer. According to the Canada Mortgage and Housing Corporation (CMHC), 72% of new housing starts are multi-residential. It means we have to find new ways to get along in a time when there seems to be less civility in the world. I believe keep ing our communities safe also means understanding and truly connecting with people.

Perhaps we are most frustrated because we don’t articulate that we have different standards and so many fixed ideas. Maybe because we don’t articulate well enough what the communal expectations are.

To this end, the Association of Condominium Managers of Ontario is pleased to have been invited to partici pate in the University of Toronto’s Well Being in the Built Environment WBE. The University of Toronto WBE proj ects are designed to access and interpret the well-being of occupants across 5 different sites of different typologies (residential, campus, office). The goal is to use quantitative and qualitative methods to understand how well-being might be enhanced or reduced due to daily activities in these built environ mental settings.

I hope you enjoy this magazine and engage with me in more discussions about how best we manage the para digms we encounter.

 

Katherine Gow, RCM is a career con dominium manager. Katherine recently made the leap to Executive Director of the Association of Condominium Man agers of Ontario where she plans to use her past experience, longtime friends and colleagues to support the profession she loves in service of the communities stew arded together with volunteer boards.

 

Mental Health Resources

If you or someone you know needs assistance with mental well-being, please reach out for help.

We’ve compiled a list of resources to help you find the support you need.

Canada Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-833-456-4566

211 Ontario
Provides support for victims of abuse

eMentalHealth
Connects individuals with mental health services, support groups, and legal aid in their community www.ementalhealth.ca/ Ontario/FindHelp

MindBeacon
Free mental health support for Ontario residents dealing with stress, anxiety, depression and more. (Funded by the Government of Ontario) www.mindbeacon.com

Legal Line
Free legal information and referrals to professional services. Legal Line is a Federal not-for profit organization providing access to Canadian laws. www.legalline.ca

Free Meditation Resources
Meditation can be an effective form of stress reduction and has the potential to improve quality of life. www.freemeditation.com

The full list of resources can be found on our website at www.acmo.org/ publications/health-and-wellbeing-resources

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